I wish DBF would get into old man baseball… seeeeeexy!

My husband was in two bowling leagues when we met, one with his daughter (totally understandable) and another on Friday night with friends. This means that every Friday from Sept - May, he is busy and comes home having had “several” beers with friends (he promptly falls asleep). I like the alone time but it can be a pain to have to do the juggle alone every Friday night.
I think this year he’s going to pass on participating in the Friday league.

A friend who has been married more years than I once advised that if my husband had a passion (golf, skateboarding, gourmet cooking, comic books…) to let him follow that passion within the context and confines of our marriage. She said, do not take it away… do not lay on the guilt. People with passions are more interesting and vibrant… if you fell in love with a man who came to you with a hobby, why would you want to strip him of it? (Same goes for him with you, of course.) As for something as intense as a band, it does seem sad that he would have to quit it unless he truly felt it was the best/happiest thing for him to do in the first place. Of course part of the equation may well be the inflexibility of his young/less mature bandmates. Never guilt your partner into giving up something he/she loves. Ideally his/her involvement and time commitment will evolve to accommodate his/her other loves: spouse and kids.

Dumbest topic ever!!!

“Over the past year I’ve lost my life almost entirely, beyond making sure this baby is healthy and happy.”

@ Minneapolis - excellent advice. Personally I think it’s reasonable to ask your partner to adjust their committment level based on the family’s needs. I sail on Wednesday nights - 18 week season. We do very few weekend races because that is when boat owner sails with his wife and young son as well as other normal weekend/family activities. He tends to pick 4-5 weekend races, which gets pared down to 2-3, based on their schedules. We may skip the late fall season entirely because it just doesn’t fit in with his family’s juggle.

Of course, marriage presupposes both maturity and a willingness to sacrifice to keep the team on course. It is foolish to think you can have a new identity and priveledges without folding in your old identity and priveledges.
Passion and identity and hobbies are not exclusive to single life, but must be viewed through the lens of your married and parental and career responsibilities. This IS the Juggle.

With the kid covering her ears.

I also think it’s reasonable to ask a spouse to adjust his hobbies to better synch with the family’s needs. It seems that Kate’s boat owner is doing that. Why should a wife (and it’s usually the wife) pick up the slack all the time to enable the husband to hang out with his buddies (either at a bar, on the golf course, at the bowling alley, etc)?

–My husband and I confronted the same issue shortly after I got pregnant.

why didn’t you confront it BEFORE getting pregnant? or before getting married?

my husband plays a sport a few night a week. fortunately, generally the times are late enough that they don’t interfere with dinner together and storytime/bedtime rituals for our toddler. if they did, he’d have to find a different time. he gave up morning games because i need his help too much in the mornings before he goes to work, or because it would require staying at work too late to make it to dinner. i support and encourage it, because the leisure time, exercise and camaraderie make him happier.

marriage and parenting both require self sacrifice for the benefit of the others. we all need to swallow our selfishness to make it work, whether that’s giving up a hobby or picking up slack so someone else can enjoy theirs.

My husband’s hobby is computer games. Nothing excessive, not even online with real people, just basic chess, etc. I would actually prefer if his hobby took him out of the house occasionally, because I sometimes find it harder to deal with being ignored by a person sitting right in front of me than to just be alone. I occasionally have to remind myself that, despite the 1-2 hours a night he does this, I interact with him far more than most women do with their husbands. He doesn’t watch sports (or TV at all), doesn’t have a bowling league, doesn’t go out drinking with the boys, doesn’t take guys-only fishing trips. And if I really need him to put the game on “pause” to tend to a screaming child, he can.

It is important to have a hobby or outlet that is soley yours…seperate from your relationship as well as a way of detaching from your normal responsibilities. I have tennis..and my partner and I decided that I can play saturday mornings. Before we had our son, I used to play 4x per week…now it’s just 1 per week… So, every one has to adjust their schedules by priority. If your partner’s hobbies are spent more time away than involved in the family responsibilities, than that is a problem that will need to be addressed. That’s my opinion

for Pete’s sake! Why is everything a Greek tragedy?

I think Friday and Saturday evening practice once you’re married is a bit much. That the husband got pissed-off about it makes him seem like even more of a child.

In addition to not planning ahead, Cedele apparently has no hobbies of her own. Get hobbies/groups whose meetings coincide and hire a sitter. Or trade off. Or sit down and have an actual conversation about what you want your lives to be, and whether you would even want to be married to a musician if their fantasy came true.

Are you sure he is a man?

We handle this with an “equal time” policy at our house. 3 or 4 times a year my husband gets weekends away with his buddies and 3 or 4 times a year I get weekends away with my girlfriends. It works well for us that we are good friends with two other couples so on the weekends the guys are away for their “man weekends” us wives usually have a big slumber party at one of the houses with all 7 kids and so we get some time together and the kids don’t see it as Daddy’s gone but rather as a slumber party weekend with their friends.

We believe that everyone is a better parent with some time to themselves as well as some couple time. I guess what has really changed for us is we don’t take 2 or 3 scuba diving vacations per year like we did before we had kids. I do miss that but starting next summer when my youngest will be 5 and can do the kids club at most resorts, we are planning to start up again. This goes to that post a couple of weeks ago about putting your kids in camp while on vacation. I know some people think it is horrible but I spend a lot of time with my kids since I work from home and have a flexible schedule so we are want for quality time and you can’t do DisneyWorld every year!

My tendency to get pregnant with great ease seems to confirm it. He is not, however, an AMERICAN man, which may explain your confusion. He prefers to read and sometimes, even, wears brightly-colored trousers. Sigh.

Oh, brother! How old is this “musician”?

My tendency to get pregnant with great ease seems to confirm it. He is not, however, an AMERICAN man, which may explain your confusion. He prefers to read and sometimes, even, wears brightly-colored trousers. Sigh.

Comment by Boston Lawyer - August 6, 2008 at 12:24 pm

It almost always is the mom who picks up the slack when Dad goes out (at least, according to my aneecdotal experience.) I’m certain others have mentioned this before, but don’t you just love it when a dad has to watch his own children and calls it “babysitting”?

Boston Lawyer’s husband could be mine too, sans brightly colored trousers. My spouse sits in the living room on his laptop, ignoring the family. I’d rather he be upstairs in the office, ignoring us totally, but this is his idea of a compromise. The laptop is either the work machine or the home/school machine - he’s not playing games, but even so, it’s like presence without being present.

people are morons! Why do you put up with this crap?

“My spouse sits in the living room on his laptop, ignoring the family.”

Do you think this is good for your kids?

DH plays in a pool league on Monday nights. I wouldn’t dream of asking him to give it up. I love that he gets time out with the boys (and secretly I think it makes him appreciate what he has at home when he hears the moans and groans of the other guys in the group). Other nights he fully participates in the family.

I absolutely hate when dads say they are “babysitting”, how did that even come about? WHen my now ex-husband would say that, I would ask who is babysitting for-that would get him to stop and think!

While in the car over my lunch break, I was thinking about this topic. Mostly because I am a Boy Scout Widow and I have a wedding coming up that conflicts with a yearly canoe trip. I gave my DH a choice, with absolutely no passive-aggressive “do the opposite of what you want” thing. He was totally set to go, until he saw the group we’d be with, then quickly changed his mind, surmising that the wedding would be more fun!
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Anyway, in the car, I was listening to a Tom Chapin song (anyone else remember, still listen?) and he mentions that he’s a dad who works on the road. What about those families? In this blog, are there any posters who live in this situation, or have someone close to them who has taken their hobby and made a living? How do you deal with the “on again off again” parent?

Most of their kids end up hating the absent parent. It rarely works.

Most women are not brave enough to force the issue before marriage.

Both parents should be able to pursue a hobby or passion, but not at the expense of the other parent.

But most often women do not stand their ground and then get taken advantage of.
It should be a deal breaker before marriage if it does not seem that your future husband understands that his life will change when the baby comes, not just yours.

But women always think things will change which they never do, don’t understand why they are so stupid.
I say this as a women.

DH had a hobby that he desperately wanted to turn into a profession - I knew this going into marriage. He ultimately did, but it was a tremendous pay cut that would never allow me to stay home full time with kids, doesn’t utilize his higher education, and the erratic work schedule takes him away from his family for various evenings, weekends and holidays. It sounds like a rotten deal for me, right? Looking at the big picture, if I had said no, we would have had a miserable marriage because he would have forever felt saddled by marriage and kids. Instead, he appreciates how his decision affects his family, and he really makes an effort to “be there” when he is home. Best decision I ever made. Be careful about cutting your partner off from something they really enjoy, you may win the battle but lose the war.

Depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice on behalf of yourself and your children.
You are also making a decision on their behalf.

Great that it worked out for you, but for many families that decision would have been a disaster with long term repucussions.

Living with someone whose passion is placed often above his wife & children is not an easy life.

Most women are better off having a stable life with someone who they don’t have to risk so much for.

2:08: So, you were faced with the choice of having a financial drain of a husband or to be in a miserable marriage? My God, why do guys like this get married?

to CL, I think in general it is better to explore passions that will disrupt your career/family life before you are married, or at the very least before you bring children into the picture.

Then you can find out if you will be successful, before it impacts someone else’s future if it doesn’t work out.

Making an effort to be there is nice of your husband after all you have done, but if things had not worked out ok, making these sacrifices for your husband could have deeply affected the stability of your family.

My DBF loves playing golf, he’s out usually both Saturday and Sunday mornings year-round and during the summer he quite frequently plays after work once or twice a week. I’m fine with it but I have entered a caveat which is if we get married and have kids I’m not going to be left with them every single weekend while he plays golf. Two or three times a month is more realistic. Now that his friends’ wives are starting to have kids he’s seeing a bit of a drop-off in his golfing partners anyway.
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It’s part of growing up and becoming a parent that you just don’t have as much time for yourself as you used to. The guys who seem to want to devote just as much time to their hobbies are probably the ones who think they should be able to sleep in on weekend mornings just like when they were teenagers. Immature.

Kudos to you and DH! In response to the other comments, I think kids need very little to grow up happy and a happy mom and dad are definitely one of them!

An interesting and relevant topic - how should hobbies change when you have kids, and how can you make sure both spouses still get to follow their passions to some reasonable extent? I agree with those who say sacrifices are part of parenthood. Some cutting back of whatever you used to do with your spare time is a given. But it should absolutely happen on both sides and not be disproportionately the mother who gives up her personal activities while dad continues his.
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In our situation, my husband loves martial arts and before kids, he was going at least 4-6 times/week to jiu jitsu classes and to the gym. We discussed during pregnancy how this was going to change. For the newborn periods of no sleep, he gave martial arts up entirely - we were in bare survival mode. Now he is going again, but no more than 3 times a week between classes and the gym. (But he makes up for it by watching UFC on tivo after the kids go to bed!) I actually have encouraged him to keep it up because I recognize how important it is to him. In turn, he started encouraging me to pick up an outside activity - I had voluntarily dropped most of it to focus my non-work hours on the babies. So I started going back to yoga this summer and its been wonderful to make that investment in myself once a week.

Sorry Cybele, he doesn’t sound like that great of a partner for you.
We took turns doing solo activities maybe twice a month before kids (tennis lessons for me, book club, or drinks with girlfriends. playing cards, fantasy football/baseball, guys nights, etc for him). I think that all changes, at least for a few years, when you start a family. I imagine we’ll renew it and start paying attention to hobbies again when the kids are older. We could get a sitter a few times a month and both plan to do solo stuff on the same nights. As far as joining a sports team or a band/a play/a chorus that seems like a hard thing to commit to on top of a full time job and parenting. Presumably you want to hang with your spouse when you have free time, right?

The only thing CL’s kids have learned is to do whatever you want & screw your spouse & children, they will just have to adjust.

I don’t want to speak for CL, but it sounds like this arrangement is one she and DH AGREED upon before getting married. It also sounds like they are doing fine and both happy!

I often get a lot of flack on this blog for my education choices, particularly my dance degree, (which people like to focus on at the exclusion of my English degree, which they also make fun of) but anyway…

While I still participate in the dance world and work in the profession part-time, I understood even in high school that when you make the choice to get married, have a family, own a home etc. you are forced to shift your focus to your new responsibilities. It doesn’t matter how bad you want to be a rock star or ballerina, if you haven’t made it yet, you’ve missed your chance. Everyone has their own ideas about financial succes and if you can support your family financially and emotionally on a small salary, that’s wonderful. You have figured out a balance and you should be commended. But one artist to another, if you think you can neglect your family and usurp the responsibilities inherent in having one in order to pursue “your dreams”, then you are an immature and selfish child who has no business having a spouse or children.

I disagree that most kids end up hating the absent ‘on again, off again’ parent. My dad worked in the movie industry (crew) while I was growing up, and he’d be gone 3-6 months at a time. We’d get to visit him once (sometimes twice if he was gone for a long time - like the two years on Waterworld). If anything, i’m closer to my dad because of it, because he would devote more attention to us when home and we didn’t want to waste our time with him yelling at us for being bad. Now, I find myself wishing that my husband would take more business trips… if only for the anticipation of him coming home and the corresponding undivided attention!

Cybele’s husband needs to start training his own band. The Lark in the Morning catalog/website has some really nice kid instruments — real instruments on the inexpensive end, kid-sized where appropriate — and might be a good place to start. We’ve given our kids a couple of things from there for gifting occasions, with the result that sometimes after we thought the 3 year old was asleep we hear accordian music coming from his room.
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I think that as kids get beyond infancy a parent with a hobby can and should start involving the kids. I mean, assuming the “hobby” isn’t getting lap dances or something like that. Take them on a short hike, or out for a spin in a double kayak, or to a mini golf course, or to an outdoor concert, or children’s theater, or whatever the junior version is of your favorite outside activities.

to Providence, it’s great that this turned out well for CL & her family, but I have a problem with her advocating other women to make this type of sacrifice.

Most times if the husband requires this much sacrifice at the start of the marriage, it does not turn out well, and you get the many posts that you’ve seen from other women on various juggle topics, that they are unhappy and they along with their children are stuck in a family sitution that is unstable & financially impossible.

Amen to that Honolulu Mother. Sharing your interests with your children is, in my opinion, one of the best ways to form meaningful bonds and help parents and children see each other as real people.

I second Honolulu mother’s point. My husband enjoys playing golf. However, there was a span of about 7 years that he only golfed 3-4 times per year, due to the needs of our babies. Now that the kids are 5 and 8, he takes them several times a month to the driving range or to play a few holes. They even take lessons together. The kids love it and he loves it.

nyc mom had me thinking… I vaguely remember my father in a ton of fantasy leagues. While this hobby was mostly “in house” or I went with him to his friends’ houses when my mom worked nights, it still was taxing. I believe it was on these nights that I first saw Jaws (at 9 - petrified of sharks for a while), IT (again, 9ish), and (and I know I mentioned this) melted the hamster ball on the stove because I wanted soup for dinner (no the hamster was not in the ball).
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My point is, that it depends on the parent with the hobby. It was pretty obvious to my mom that my dad couldn’t watch me and devote to his fantasy league play. If parents can make it work, like CL, then great. But if the parents can’t, and one “forgets” that s/he’s with the kiddies, then I think alternate arrangements are needed.

I agree 100%, one size does not fit all. I made it clear to DBF that when we have kids it will be important for me to stay home. I feel in the meantime its the least I can do to sacrifice while he gets his masters. I guess I was more applauding CL for knowing something was important to her DH and sticking by him even though it may have been a sacrifice. To many posters marry/have kids with someone expecting them to change, sounds like she knew what she was getting and made the best.

to CL, maybe it would clarify the situation if you told us what hobby your husband has turned into a successful career?

Like KCmom, my DH and I have a 50/50 deal: I get two nights per week to be “out” (go to the gym, meet a friend for drinks, etc.) and he gets two nights, and the other nights are flex time to be shared with family or negotiated. He plays in a hockey league on his two nights and I love that he is so passionate about it. Our son sees his passion and now is taking an interest in hockey, too.

This balance of “me” time is every bit as important as any other part of our juggle. Just as with kids, having some firm ground rules for personal time in a marriage can be so helpful in respecting and appreciating each other.

That being said, my DH has incurred a few hockey injuries that made him temporarily unable to help with childcare, or involved a late-night trip to the ER, both of which impact our whole family, not just him. We’ve agreed that if either of our hobbies ever threatens to jeopardize our juggle or our ability to contribute our fair share, we will assess whether it needs to be curtailed or changed.

“I mean, assuming the “hobby” isn’t getting lap dances or something like that.”… Congratulations, Honolulu Mother, for making me spit my diet coke on my desk. Oh my.
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Seriously, though, this is a great idea & one that I am happy my own spouse and I have come by naturally. He takes our sons out to the golf course and I have taught my sons to tend the garden and bake cookies. Boy, we sound pretty 1950s, don’t we? Oh well… we’re doing what we like to do and teaching the kids along the way.
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What’s really tremendous is when one’s children reach an age when they find passions independently. Thus the treks to the Science Museum for special exhibits and Omni Theater shows and tickets to the Children’s Theater to see a favorite teacher perform… I love it when my kids suggest a family activity.

“That being said, my DH has incurred a few hockey injuries that made him temporarily unable to help with childcare, or involved a late-night trip to the ER, both of which impact our whole family, not just him. We’ve agreed that if either of our hobbies ever threatens to jeopardize our juggle or our ability to contribute our fair share, we will assess whether it needs to be curtailed or changed”

Totally agree- the year before we started our family, my husband injured himself enduro racing (sort of like motocross in the woods without the high jumps) and, realizing how much of an impact his injury on me, I told him this was one hobby that had to go once we had kids.

DH was a volunteer firefighter who gave up a great career with lots of earning potential to become a professional (paid) firefighter - yikes! His parents nearly wet their pants, as would some of the other posters apparently, and we both took some serious ridicule from friends and family for a long, long time over that decision. He worked hard to get promoted as quickly as possible (mostly out of guilt), has focused on other ancillary means of earning additional paychecks from his experience, networks and teaches like a madman in his chosen niche of expertise. He took the passion that he might have put into his former, much better paying profession and now does what he can to support his family. He probably makes about half of what he could be making, but he’s happy and appreciative, and being appreciated is what just about every wife/partner on the planet wants.
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I could have been a very comfortable SAHM on his former salary with a nice car and days spent at the club, which looks like fun…but that has it’s own risks as we have discussed many times on this board and I’m not keen on that model, having experience in my own family to know better than to rely on a man for all your support. I’m not a put-upon wife who slaves to support a family while he gets to shirk responsibility and act like a kid, I wouldn’t advocate that to any woman. (As regular readers know, I don’t have much sympathy for people who make poor financial decisions and then seek pity.) It’s not all wine and roses - yes, anyone can live on less, but that’s not a whole lot of fun now is it, WSJ readers? We don’t do the nice vacations and other things that his former salary would have allowed and I take lots of flak for being an evil working mom. It’s all relative - we have food on the table but money is a lot tighter than it used to be and I sigh when I scan the real estate section for vacation homes. Go ahead, let the flaming begin on that one, but it’s the truth. It was a life changing decision in a very big way.
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My misunderstood point was that women often have lots more power in a marriage than they think they do, but you should consider that power carefully if you think you want to live in the same house with your spouse for the rest of your life - which I do. The way people split up these days, it may not be important to other people, their individual happiness might trump the happiness of their family unit in which case you should not give one inch. After many years we are still happy, and I’m positive that his career change is a part of it. I don’t want to think of what our family life would be like with me home and him working 60 hour weeks in a job he disliked because I wasn’t willing to “let” him do what he wanted to do - because I certainly had that veto available to me. If the old model were still in place I don’t think I’d get my bearhug greeting at the end of a shift - I think I’d get a miserable husband throwing his tie on the ground and griping about the office - no thanks. Of course, to each his own.

Maybe you are happy ’cause you get to call the shots.

Neither of us has major hobbies that take away from the family so it hasn’t been a major issue, in fact I encouraged my DH to get a bit more active and play golf etc. However I have a friend who’s spouse is VERY involved in sports - eg fantasy baseball, football, basketball, watching, reading, writing about sports and now even coaching kid sports with a passion that means stats on every kid and hours spent on game planning etc. This really impacts what they can do as a family - can’t go out today, its fantasy pick a player day (sp?) and there is no way I would tolerate this kind of disparity in my marriage.

CL, I would hope that your husband’s decision to make a financial sacrifice and take on greater physical risks to serve his community would draw admiration, rather than ridicule. My cousin is a firefighter and because they’re the first responders to any emergency he’s seen some horrifying stuff. (Sacred Falls tragedy. . .)

Your husband made a dangerous choice, but a respectable one that teaches his children about the importance of civic responsibility. Your family made a sacrifice because he wanted to save lives; that’s a sacrifice for him as well, and it’s hard to call his career choice selfish. I definitely think his choice to become a firefighter is very different than say, the choice to become a stunt double. I imagine people will respect your generosity of spirit towards your husband a little more now that they know the choice he made. (I was thinking it was something like “pro bowler” or “rock star”.)

to CL, thanks for the additional info., I think this puts it a little bit more in perspective.

I don’t think that firefighting is really a hobby, even if it is volunteer.
It is great that your husband is doing something that gives back to the community in such a special way, he is very heroic and you as the wife I give total credit to as I do the wives of policemen & servicemen, anyone whose job involves putting their life on the line there for someone else.

I think that many of the posters were envisioning something that is much more selfish such as being a starving artist, musician, etc.

To Anon 4:24p: yes fantasy pick a player day is extremely important. You don’t want to lose your turn. It sucks, but my dad did it (way before internet, when it was all done with cards at people’s houses). Most of the times, I had to sit there quietly, or in another room. It sucked, but my mom more than made up for it in Mommy-daughter days my father STILL doesn’t know about. If it’s a passion, the family can work around it. My dad’s fantasy league was certainly NOT a factor in their divorce.
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To CL and Honolulu Mother - I too have many a family member in paid and volunteer first responder positions (my wedding was a bunch of cops, firefighters and EMTs!). That is something to be admired because not many can sacrifice so that others may be saved. That “hobby” is a noble passion. So you aren’t the richest on the blog, but if you’re the happiest and your kids are proud of their parents, then that’s all that matters. My 3 yr old niece can pick out an ambulance or fire truck and say “That’s my daddy driving” even when he’s not (he’s a volunteer EMT and firefighter with a day job as a dispatcher)!

ok, I feel like such an a**, CL bless you & your family, god knows everyday in this city we are greatful for our firefighters that put themselves in harms way to protect us.

I was thinking hobby such as the arts, sports etc, as other posters were…

Can’t you share your hobbies/passions with your children? My mother was a fabulous gardener and we kids loved having our own tiny plots in the garden. Dad hunted and fished and read. Mom liked fishing, too, so we had lots of after supper fishing trips to the lake. Kids who get bored watching a bobber (3 minutes) can wade and net minnows. We all started going hunting with Dad when we were 4 or 5 and we all still hunt. Mom was an artist on the sewing machine and that was her solitary time. Two of us became bookworms thanks to some of the books Dad pushed our way. My husband and I have some shared interests and some that aren’t. He’s into Ham radio, I’m not. I’m into horse riding and he’s not. We both share other hobbies. Moving around, there have been times when a hobby just couldn’t be done, so sometimes it had to wait a few years before one of us could pick it back up again. I’ve got my women’s club and my husband has his radio friends. Where do we get the time? No TV helps. Sometimes you just do things in little bits. 15 minutes in the garden doesn’t get the weeding completely done, but I feel better for doing it.

I just thought this was called growing up? Between both working full-time, with business trips and the needs of DD, particularly sleep (and boy, does this girl need her sleep!), we’ve just accepted that we won’t really have much time for ourselves for a few years. Occasionally, we get a massage, maybe twice a year, and I try to take some time for myself during business trips, when I’m away anyway. Honestly, it bothers us so rarely that we don’t have that me-time that it’s not worth commenting on. We did plenty of that before we had kids, and will do again. I also agree that parents who are absent for extended periods are not loved less. FIL used to work away from home for 6 months at a time, and DH loved him very dearly. It all depends upon the parent and the child, you can’t generalize.

Hooray for your husband and you and the choices you made! I see nothing but gains in those choices. Your husband is happy, you are happy, your children have the example of loving parents, society gains from your husband’s work and your stable family. What’s money anyway? Just something for the government to try to tax away from you.

Besides the general notion that a couple wants children “someday” there should be some serious discussion about wanting them *now*, at this point in life. Based on facors such as:
1. Both partners are ready to give up most, if not all, of their free time to raising children.
2. Both partners are ready to give most, if not all, of their discretionary income to the cost of having a child.
3. Both partners are ready to take on the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy and all that entails (i.e. hormones, changing sex life, changing bodies, etc.)
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I would never want to take on parenthood alone and I would be fearful that if my partner wasn’t as ready in all these areas as I was, that I would essentially be taking it on alone. I am a big fan of waiting until the time is right, when hopefully the husband WANTS to spend time with his family and chooses an appropriate balance on his own.

Clarification - give up all of their free time on occasion, like the week from hell when all the kids are sick, not all of the time. I think parents should still have hobbies, “me” time, and should still be their own person with their own identity!

Kids or no kids, I still participate in my book club, bunco group, and occasional dinners/outings with girl friends. My husband meets up with his friends about once a month but I wish he’d get out a bit more than that. It is perfectly OK to go out by yourself a couple of times a month. This does not have to, and should not, stop when you have kids. I cringe when a friend drops a much loved activity that meets once a month because “it’s too difficult to manage with all the kid activities”. UGHHH!
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CL, I have a couple of friends who are fire fighters. They all say it is the best job in the world. I must admit, I am envious. I wish I could say that about my job!

Ha ha, I stuck up for CL before I knew, reason why…. DBF is an artist! I don’t see it as a hobby, but really as a potential career. He went to art school and is going back for more so that he can teach at a college level if the whole “professional artist” thing doesn’t work out. I’m sure you all probably think I’m nuts! No need to bombard me with comments, I know its risky, but I am committed to the relationship and would rather be dirt poor with him then filthy rich with anyone else.

“Readers, do any of you have a spouse with an un-juggle-friendly hobby? How have you handled the situation?”

Easy one… we chose childfree…

I have to admit I dropped a monthly meeting with the girls for cards once I had 2 kids.

But it was actually because I was so needy for time on my own truly alone.

I would not trade my family in, but miss my days of being single in my own apt. Doing exactly as I wanted with no one to answer to.

So when I have any spare time these days I go somewhere to get a massage, read, anywhere where I can have some privacy by myself. I have also lied to my husband that I had to stay away an extra day on business just to get some alone time once the actual meetings are over.

I feel it’s my dirty little secret as I think it’s usually the husband that exhibits this type of stuff.

my honey and i are not married but we have had this discussion. Its the reason we are together probably. each of us has our passions and know how to leave each other alone. life would be so dull. We dont have kids but we have dogs, chores, etc and they get done. We know how important hobbies/passions are and now they need to be nurtured. We also assume having a child would take up a large chunk of our times. I guess we will communicate and devise a plan like we do with everything else.
How do people get married without having this basic compatibility? Must be lumped with the ‘money talk’ that never happens as well.

Ok- it finally got my goat. Marriage and those so-called “long term, committed relationships” require maturity.
These relationships should receive deep and determined soul-searching.
BECAUSE children often result.
I just have never met an accidental person.

OK, I am the one with more interest in outside activities — women’s group, school volunteer, girl scouts, etc. — and I work full-time. He has one hobby — games — board, card, computer, fantasy, etc. He has a group of friends that get together weekly — for over 20 years now. I plan around those nights with very few exceptions.
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I’ve cut way back on my outside activities compared to single and no kids. When we dated, he never noticed how many things I did. Then we moved in together and he said — You’re never home; I never realized you did so much stuff.
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We we decided to get pregnant, I said that I wanted to keep one activity that I did once a month and one that I did once a quarter. The rest could go until kids didn’t need so much. He kept his one thing.
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IMHO - Kids need to see that parents have a life outside of their kids. We aren’t JUST parents.

These comments about why didn’t you talk about it before you got married are inane. Do any of you have kids? Did you have a life before kids? Did you know what it would be like to have kids? I certainly did NOT. My husband has always played on an ice hockey league. He would easily do it every night if he could. When we got married I loved that he had this hobby. I loved when he had it for the first 5 years of our marriage–it kept him physically and mentally in shape. But then we had kids. And I had no idea that my feelings would change. Before we had kids I would have said I would have no problem with him being gone 1 or 2 or even 3 nights a week playing in a league. Obviously that’s not how I feel now, although I’m fine with 1 night a week. But since he spends more time at work than he does with us awake during the week, I want us to hang out together! We’ve learned to balance it in recent years with time for me to go out and do things too (although I don’t have a passion for a specific thing like he does for hockey). But it’s a struggle until you reach that balance, regardless of how you THOUGHT you felt about it before you have kids.

I actually ended up benefiting from my spouse’s hobby. He is an engineer and he loves to “geek” out. His obsession with all things electronic has paid off. While there were YEARS that I had a low grade annoyance with not having a garage or any closet space because his cables or 1/2 projects were all around. I am now reaping the rewards.

“These comments about why didn’t you talk about it before you got married are inane.”

What DID you and your husbad discuss before you were married? You sound more like your husband’s mother than his spouse.

#1 cause of divorce.

really amanda, it is not a huge leap to think that you would not want your spouse gone 3 nights a week once you had kids. even the most simpleminded knows that parents should spend some time with their family. were you surprised by the crying of the baby too?

I don’t know about Amanda, but boy, was I EVER surprised by how much the baby cried, yes! But then I was young, not like all you mature people out there who know EXACTLY what to expect and discuss/plan the rest of their lives.

I see my husband’s hobbies as an asset.

I fell in love with him when he was a skier/surfer/biker/swimmer/polo player/runner/awsomely bodied dude. How lucky am I that he is still so? Who cares if he’s off with his bike team (or whatever) every Saturday morning (or whatever)? He is incredibly healthy–a benefit to the whole family–and he is just so dang hot (a benefit to me). It’s especially good now that the kids are old enough for his hobbies to morph into great family activities. Sweet!

My parents, very successfully married for 40+ years, always joke about how they planned out everything to the exact detail and then their lives turned out totally differently. They agreed, before we were born, on the exact age at which we would be allowed to date. But then when we were teens, kids didn’t “date” like they did in the 50s — they went out in groups including a boy someone liked. Well, did that count? Then there was a religious conversion, a major illness, a lay-off…If you can’t keep a constant dialogue going with your spouse in circumstances of constant change, THAT’s when you are in trouble.

Really. Airheads, Inc.

Favors Balance wrote: “While I still participate in the dance world and work in the profession part-time, I understood even in high school that when you make the choice to get married, have a family, own a home etc. you are forced to shift your focus to your new responsibilities. It doesn’t matter how bad you want to be a rock star or ballerina, if you haven’t made it yet, you’ve missed your chance.”

I beg to differ. The minute you let go of the dream, you’re wasting your time pursuing it. Just because you gave up the professional dancing career is no reason for the husband to give up his dream of being a professional musician.

You’ve “missed your chance” when you either give up on it or you’re dead and buried.

Here’s a tip: never fall in love with a working musician, or anyone who is doing for a living what most others do as a hobby, if you intend for them to one day “grow up” and put it down. Marry a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Cop, or a Grave Digger instead.

It amazes me how many musicians I know whose wives “found” them playing in a band in a bar/club, latched onto them, showered them with affection, and as soon as they said “I Do”, she demanded he sell all his musical equipment and give up music “for the sake of the family”.

It’s even more depressing how many actually fell for it.

DrNewcenstein - At what point do you say, “I need to find a viable way to support my family financially and emotionally?” Or do you just never try? Or should you keep on trying to be a rock star when you’re 70?

When you don’t have a family you get to do whatever the hell you want to do. But when you have people depending on you to take care of them, you have to take care of them. Period. Unmarried, childless people have the luxury of pursuing any dream and living any way they want. I’m in my early 20s and I can do whatever I feel like doing because no one relies on me for support. But I won’t dare get married or have children until I know I can fullfill the commitment inherent in having them.

The idea that you should “fall in love” with the right person who is going to give you the perfect married life is just ridiculous. Isn’t “falling in love” supposed to be spontaneous? So now you tailor your emotions to what’s practical only?

Really. Uptight and Rigid, Inc.

F.B. - Obviously if you’ve made your own personal decision to leave the career dream in favor of the family dream, that’s your prerogative. However, it takes two to tango, and if your chosen hubby isn’t ready to give up his career dream just yet, the strife is to be expected. It’s a point that should be considered.

KK - Spontaneity is great, but again, you cannot just come up out of the blue and dictate that your partner should start making changes he/she is not ready to make to satisfy your personal goals.

These are the situations I’ve seen others suckered into, and they spend the rest of their lives in misery and regret.

If it’s just a hobby and was never intended to be anything more, that’s one thing, but that decision rests entirely with the individual in question.
Of course, if an unexpected child enters the picture, I would fully expect that both parties drop what they’re doing to focus on the more important issue.

My husband loves to sail. Unfortunately, we live about an hour and a half from where he used to keep his boat. Pre-kids, I was okay losing him every Tuesday night and all day one day on the weekend, but once the first came, that didn’t last too much longer. When #2 came pretty quickly after, he sold his boat. Now that the kids are 4 and almost 3, I’m thinking he can buy a boat again. : )

I think people still are missing my main point, which is, if a partner has a real and true love of a hobby, squashing it because you feel ignored or put upon can really backfire on you in the form of simmering resentment. Listen in on your average party conversation and you’ll hear it. And I honestly don’t think it would have been any different if he had wanted to become a professional yo-yo player or something completely out of the ordinary. I made a calculated decision assuming that we would be together for decades to come - the decades part trumped every other part of the equation - and I traded money for happiness. So far, so good, but life is never guaranteed and money can solve a lot of problems.
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I must respectfully disagree with the comment that volunteer firefighting isn’t a hobby - it’s a huge time drain on a family in the form of meetings/training and the calls come at the most worst times - picture the knife poised over the Thanksgiving turkey while the hungry family looks on…cue the pager. It’s no more welcome at 3 am Sunday, or 5 pm Friday. If ever there was a hobby that cut into family time, that one is it. Tho I must admit that I have more respect and admiration for the folks who do it year after year with no more than a thanks than I do for the folks who do it and collect a paycheck at the end of the day.